What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones