HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.