Body by sandwich.
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Breaking news:
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot