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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed