At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy