[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.