booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
There’s always that one guy
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The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
is this a warning or an offer?
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’