me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.