My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?