My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets