Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3