Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.