Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees