I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
These are my roll models.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take