Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.