More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways