Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
What in the hipster hell is going on here
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.