You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad