Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
You Might Also Like
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
britain’s three elite institutions
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
buys donuts instead
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.