Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk