Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.