[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone