[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You Might Also Like
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.