when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
You Might Also Like
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for