when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

You Might Also Like


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent


The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.


Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…


Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.


I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.


Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”