I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
what are they serving at kfc then???
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.