if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Ion see the issue
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.