how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna