imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The happy life.. 😊
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Check your privilege
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?