“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
You Might Also Like
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.