The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.