People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
what do you want!!!!!!!!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet