Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?