If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
God has left this place
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.