melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.