Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.