Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*power walks to the refrigerator*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*