Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I identify as an antique shop.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
A Short Story.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins