She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them