[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there