Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.