*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
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A small tragedy.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.