5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Kermit goes Blue.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“I’m helping” 😅
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”