If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Investing in beetcoin
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
nobody’s gonna understand
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??