Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I am HOWLING at this
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”