shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard