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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
pep talk
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us