imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.