There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it