Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*