me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
welp
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know